Red Cliff Review (or How Romance of the Three Kingdoms was raped in front of my very eyes)

Friend: How was Red Cliff?
Me: To put it in simply. John Woo raped Romance of the Three Kingdoms... totally!

The above was the exact SMS conversation I had with a close friend of mine. If you are interested in reading the full and more graphic review of the 2 parts of this US$80m historical crapfest, read on.

Let me start of with the review of the 1st part of the movie. As expected from John Woo, the movie begins with some nice action sequence immediately after a short introductory of how Cao Cao started this war. All was looking good with Zhao Yun kicking ass until the scene where Zhang Fei asks Zhuge Liang to request for reinforcements from Liu Bei which was guarding the civilians fleeing the city which had just been occupied by Cao Cao. After Liu Bei's refusal to command his troops to abandon their position and help Zhang Fei, Zhuge Liang had an idea and left for Zhang Fei. Upon arriving Zhang Fei asks "Where's my reinforcement?" and instead of bringing an army, Guan Yu appears and start hacking and slashing ala Dynasty Warriors style at Cao Cao's army!!!! After that everything went downhill.

This Zhao Yun is way cooler and manlier than Andy Lau's version

Despite the Battle of Red Cliff being one of Chinese history's most decisive battles and also one of the most talked about among scholars, the battle in this movie is been horrendously dumbed down to make it more "acceptable" to the general viewing audience. There are totally no mentioning of strategies on how to overcome an overwhelming force of 800,000 against the 70,000 the proposed alliance would be having.

Instead, John Woo used up a large chunk of Part 1 A on how Sun Quan is struggling to accept an alliance with Liu Bei to ward off Cao Cao's army in one decisive battle and also some needless scenes involving the historical insignificant Xiao Qiao. All of her parts are added for the sake of adding Lin Zhiling in which includes a part where Xiao Qiao and her husband help a HORSE GIVING BIRTH TO A FUCKING PONY WITH THE HELP OF ZHUGE LIANG, a bandage wrapping scene and a needless sex scene.

The climatic battle towards the end of part I is perhaps the worse part in the movie. The fighting and battle sequence is beautifully done, with slow motions, graceful killings and also a scene which seems to be ripped off directly from Troy (the one where Brad Pitt made a beautiful leap while stabbing a giant at the back). However, the scene leading up to this battle is not. How a bunch of elite cavalry army could march stupidly into a trap while staring straight at it in such discipline fashion is really fucking dumb. Once inside the trap (which was made up of soldiers with shields), the cavalry was surrounded but did the alliance army just come full force and finish them off once and for all? NO! Instead they let 4 of the alliance generals (Zhao Yun, Zhang Fei, Guan Yu and a clone of Gan Ning named Gan Xing) to hack and slash the enemy soldiers Dynasty Warrior style while they look on and only started taking any action after a huge chunk of their enemies are dead. Some kind of brave soldiers they are huh?

With the alliance army winning the first encounter with Cao Cao's troop and the movie drawing to a close, Zhuge Liang and Zhou Yu are discussing on how to fight the next wave of attack which would be a naval battle which Cao Cao greatly outnumber them, instead of hatching any semblance of a plan Zhou Yu replied that they will take things as it comes... this coming from one of the wisest man in Chinese history. After watching this crap of a movie, surely I won't catch Part 2 right? Well, no... instead I go ahead and watched the 2nd part as I was bored witless on Chinese New Year and Red Cliff is the only movie that seems less crap that is currently showing at our cinemas and also partly on my curiosity on how will John Woo continues to rape history even further.

For the 2nd part, shit picks up immediately where the 1st movie left off with the enemy playing football and the alliance still wondering how to outsmart their enemy in the final decisive naval battle. To avoid any spoilers of the 2nd movie I shall keep this review as brief as possible and also to tell you what crap you would expect. Like the first movie, all military strategy was hatch up last minute before any battle. Xiao Qiao plays a very important role in the outcome of the battle which rapes Chinese History even further. The final battle is a direct rip off from Saving Private Ryan's D-Day battle with troops laying siege while getting bombed by catapults. Also expect to see a scene which ripped off Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers, suicide bombing attack on a wall.

As for the climax, there's a bloody MEXICAN STANDOFF USING SWORDS which was a rip off any John Woo's previous films with GUNS! And also a scene from John Woo's "A Better Tomorrow" with Liu Bei, Guan Yu, Zhao Yun and Zhang Fei striking a cool pose while looking on. So what's my final verdict of this movie?

Example of a Mexican Standoff

From a big fan of the history of the three kingdoms era, I am not just disappointed but also disgusted by the treatment of Chinese History at the hands of John Woo. This itself deserves a 0 from me. But the cool cinematography, action sequence and some nice visual effects that rival Hollywood had raise my final verdict to a 4.5 out of 10. And my best advice is to watch the 1995 CCTV produced 84 episodes Romance of the Three Kingdoms which is still one of my favourite series ever.

If you don't know anything about Chinese History or have no interest in the Three Kingdoms era, then this movie should be enjoyable to you and should score around a 7.5 out of 10.




Victims of "Artistic Liberties" taken by John Woo:
Zhuge Liang - was horribly portrayed. This man is nearly God-like in Chinese History and yet in this movie he was like a playful kid with a great knowledge.

Huang Gai - One of the important figures in this battle with his muse being the turning point if the battle but instead was overshadowed by Xiao Qiao in this movie.

Guan Yu - Voice is way too feminine and his character is way to "cartoonish" for this Taoist "God of War".

Zhang Fei - He is turned into Gimli the 2nd in this movie. A bloody comic relief as a general with all brawns and no brains.

Liu Bei - In this movie he is portrayed as a non-charming idiot that is just lucky to have so many talented men under him.

Pang Tong - Despite his importance in this battle, John Woo decided to drop him entirely.

Cao Cao - A cunning man and a genius politician in the history books but is portrayed as a drunken, overconfident and lusty old man who would start a battle just for a woman ala plot from Troy.

All of Cao Cao's general that took part in this battle - All of them are missing in action.

Gan Ning - For having his named changed to Gan Xing itself is a great disrespect.


Some Notable Portrayal in this Movie:

Zhao Yun - Like in the books, this man is super cool in this movie eventhough his acts are a direct rip off from Legolas.

Zhou Yu - Tony Leung could act in any role and make it look good... nuff' said!