Red Cliff Review (or How Romance of the Three Kingdoms was raped in front of my very eyes)

Friend: How was Red Cliff?
Me: To put it in simply. John Woo raped Romance of the Three Kingdoms... totally!

The above was the exact SMS conversation I had with a close friend of mine. If you are interested in reading the full and more graphic review of the 2 parts of this US$80m historical crapfest, read on.

Let me start of with the review of the 1st part of the movie. As expected from John Woo, the movie begins with some nice action sequence immediately after a short introductory of how Cao Cao started this war. All was looking good with Zhao Yun kicking ass until the scene where Zhang Fei asks Zhuge Liang to request for reinforcements from Liu Bei which was guarding the civilians fleeing the city which had just been occupied by Cao Cao. After Liu Bei's refusal to command his troops to abandon their position and help Zhang Fei, Zhuge Liang had an idea and left for Zhang Fei. Upon arriving Zhang Fei asks "Where's my reinforcement?" and instead of bringing an army, Guan Yu appears and start hacking and slashing ala Dynasty Warriors style at Cao Cao's army!!!! After that everything went downhill.

This Zhao Yun is way cooler and manlier than Andy Lau's version

Despite the Battle of Red Cliff being one of Chinese history's most decisive battles and also one of the most talked about among scholars, the battle in this movie is been horrendously dumbed down to make it more "acceptable" to the general viewing audience. There are totally no mentioning of strategies on how to overcome an overwhelming force of 800,000 against the 70,000 the proposed alliance would be having.

Instead, John Woo used up a large chunk of Part 1 A on how Sun Quan is struggling to accept an alliance with Liu Bei to ward off Cao Cao's army in one decisive battle and also some needless scenes involving the historical insignificant Xiao Qiao. All of her parts are added for the sake of adding Lin Zhiling in which includes a part where Xiao Qiao and her husband help a HORSE GIVING BIRTH TO A FUCKING PONY WITH THE HELP OF ZHUGE LIANG, a bandage wrapping scene and a needless sex scene.

The climatic battle towards the end of part I is perhaps the worse part in the movie. The fighting and battle sequence is beautifully done, with slow motions, graceful killings and also a scene which seems to be ripped off directly from Troy (the one where Brad Pitt made a beautiful leap while stabbing a giant at the back). However, the scene leading up to this battle is not. How a bunch of elite cavalry army could march stupidly into a trap while staring straight at it in such discipline fashion is really fucking dumb. Once inside the trap (which was made up of soldiers with shields), the cavalry was surrounded but did the alliance army just come full force and finish them off once and for all? NO! Instead they let 4 of the alliance generals (Zhao Yun, Zhang Fei, Guan Yu and a clone of Gan Ning named Gan Xing) to hack and slash the enemy soldiers Dynasty Warrior style while they look on and only started taking any action after a huge chunk of their enemies are dead. Some kind of brave soldiers they are huh?

With the alliance army winning the first encounter with Cao Cao's troop and the movie drawing to a close, Zhuge Liang and Zhou Yu are discussing on how to fight the next wave of attack which would be a naval battle which Cao Cao greatly outnumber them, instead of hatching any semblance of a plan Zhou Yu replied that they will take things as it comes... this coming from one of the wisest man in Chinese history. After watching this crap of a movie, surely I won't catch Part 2 right? Well, no... instead I go ahead and watched the 2nd part as I was bored witless on Chinese New Year and Red Cliff is the only movie that seems less crap that is currently showing at our cinemas and also partly on my curiosity on how will John Woo continues to rape history even further.

For the 2nd part, shit picks up immediately where the 1st movie left off with the enemy playing football and the alliance still wondering how to outsmart their enemy in the final decisive naval battle. To avoid any spoilers of the 2nd movie I shall keep this review as brief as possible and also to tell you what crap you would expect. Like the first movie, all military strategy was hatch up last minute before any battle. Xiao Qiao plays a very important role in the outcome of the battle which rapes Chinese History even further. The final battle is a direct rip off from Saving Private Ryan's D-Day battle with troops laying siege while getting bombed by catapults. Also expect to see a scene which ripped off Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers, suicide bombing attack on a wall.

As for the climax, there's a bloody MEXICAN STANDOFF USING SWORDS which was a rip off any John Woo's previous films with GUNS! And also a scene from John Woo's "A Better Tomorrow" with Liu Bei, Guan Yu, Zhao Yun and Zhang Fei striking a cool pose while looking on. So what's my final verdict of this movie?

Example of a Mexican Standoff

From a big fan of the history of the three kingdoms era, I am not just disappointed but also disgusted by the treatment of Chinese History at the hands of John Woo. This itself deserves a 0 from me. But the cool cinematography, action sequence and some nice visual effects that rival Hollywood had raise my final verdict to a 4.5 out of 10. And my best advice is to watch the 1995 CCTV produced 84 episodes Romance of the Three Kingdoms which is still one of my favourite series ever.

If you don't know anything about Chinese History or have no interest in the Three Kingdoms era, then this movie should be enjoyable to you and should score around a 7.5 out of 10.




Victims of "Artistic Liberties" taken by John Woo:
Zhuge Liang - was horribly portrayed. This man is nearly God-like in Chinese History and yet in this movie he was like a playful kid with a great knowledge.

Huang Gai - One of the important figures in this battle with his muse being the turning point if the battle but instead was overshadowed by Xiao Qiao in this movie.

Guan Yu - Voice is way too feminine and his character is way to "cartoonish" for this Taoist "God of War".

Zhang Fei - He is turned into Gimli the 2nd in this movie. A bloody comic relief as a general with all brawns and no brains.

Liu Bei - In this movie he is portrayed as a non-charming idiot that is just lucky to have so many talented men under him.

Pang Tong - Despite his importance in this battle, John Woo decided to drop him entirely.

Cao Cao - A cunning man and a genius politician in the history books but is portrayed as a drunken, overconfident and lusty old man who would start a battle just for a woman ala plot from Troy.

All of Cao Cao's general that took part in this battle - All of them are missing in action.

Gan Ning - For having his named changed to Gan Xing itself is a great disrespect.


Some Notable Portrayal in this Movie:

Zhao Yun - Like in the books, this man is super cool in this movie eventhough his acts are a direct rip off from Legolas.

Zhou Yu - Tony Leung could act in any role and make it look good... nuff' said!

The Dark Knight Review

I went into the cinema with sky high expectations of this movie mainly due to all the great superhero flicks that came out this year. My expectations are so high that even one single "off" moment in the movie will disappoint me greatly. Two and a half hours later.... I was impressed. I was awed. I wanted more Batman. And I feel depressed that we can never see another performance by Heath Ledger as the Joker ever again.

The actors... all of them gave it their all as if they all wanted to be nominated for an Oscar. Heath Ledger is amazing. You can never get enough of him. If you think casting Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man is the best casting call ever in comic book adaptation history? Just go watch Heath Ledger as the Joker.

The pacing is flawless. They fully utilize all two and a half hours of screen time to show you as much character development, action and a little bit of humour they could humanly possible. Each twist to the plot is handle with care so that the audience would not be lost half-way watching and still manage to throw in a few great one liners to humour us.

The final verdict? A PERFECT 10. If there's any comic book adaptation that ever deserves an Oscar? Let this be the first one ever. It had also become my favourite movie of all time, relegating The Godfather to second place.

Thank you Mr. Ledger and Mr. Nolan for such a great movie.

Incredible Hulk Review

They call this movie a reboot for the title character. To me its more of a reformat because it had totally wipe clean of any memory I had of the dreadful 2003 Ang Lee soap opera. Just a few seconds into the opening sequence had me smiling from ear to ear. The reference to S.H.I.E.L.D (yes the government agency with the long ass name mentioned in the movie Iron Man), Nick Fury and Stark Industries which clearly shows the direction Marvel is going to take in the next few years leading to the Avengers movie.

A few minutes into the movie you already have this intense chase sequence, where Bruce Banne (the Hulk's puny human alter-ego) is chased by the US military. Chase sequences which always leads to Banner transforming into the Hulk are aplenty in this movie but they are never repetitive as it takes place in different environments and who on earth can get enough of the mayhem and destruction? Maybe Bruce Banner, but definitely not us.

The screenwriting is good as it tends to go into details of things. Not as good as Iron Man's but still good nonetheless. They had done a good job linking **comic geeks take note** a particular SERUM which is developed during WORLD WAR 2 to Bruce Banner's condition. They even try to explain on how Banner's pants never seem to tear despite his clothings and shoes always does when he is transform into the Hulk.

Casting wise there's no complains maybe except Liv Tyler. Talk about stereotype, how many times have we seen her in yet another love-interest-to-the-hero-which-rarely-does-anything-important? If you seen her in Armageddon, you had seen it all. But that.. of course is just a personal opinion.

Watch my movie puny Humans!!!!

What made me totally forget about the 2003 snore-fest is the mind blowing action sequences. All of it done in great detail. Watch how the parts from the cars fling all over the place when the Hulk uses it as a weapon or how each bullet that bounced off the Hulk's body is painstakingly shown. The final fight sequence had me smiling as soon as it started right until the end of it. Gamma clap? It's there. Hulk shouting "HULK SMASH" it is there and that two words alone is worth watching the movie alone (at least for comic book fans that is :-P).

The final verdict? A solid 8.8 out of 10. Solid comic book adaptation. Awesome action sequences, some great casting of Edward Norton as Bruce Banner and the best of all, erase all that painful memories you had watching the 2003 version. The bad news however, is that this movie might raise your expectations for The Dark Knight to some unreachable heights.... Oh yeah do look out for a certain superhero right before the credits....

Flash Point Review

I had never been a huge fan of Donnie Yen honest. I always deem him as an inferior martial arts actor compared to the likes of Jackie Chan, Yuen Biao, Yuen Wah and Jet Li whom I had grow up watching and idolizing. I never really liked him, not even in the excellent Wilson Yip directed SPL (a.k.a Sha Po Lang) in which IMHO is great because of Simon Yam, Sammo Hung and the then-HK-movie-industry-rookie Wu Jing in which he plays a cold blooded silent assasin for the triads which will even make Luca Brasi feels like a n00b.

Then came Dragon Tiger Gate, a flick which the trailers feels much more cooler than the movie itself. True, I must admit that the movie's redeeming point is none other but Donnie Yen himself but his GODMODE-ON in nearly all his scenes is a huge turnoff for me.

Fortunately for me, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and decided to catch his latest flick which is currently showing in the cinemas now called Flash Point. Ok to be honest, its not really that benefit-of-the-doubt bullshit that got me buying tickets for this flick. Its the trailer of this movie that got me excited about this movie. Because in the trailer, there is zero dialogue, zero cliched-plot-revealing-flashing-words-on-the-screen and is very straight to the point by telling you this is a martial arts flick because all you ever see in the trailer other than the movies title are kicks, punches, armbars and a beautiful executed german suplex. And being the huge sucker for martial arts movie I did not seem to care about the lessons I learnt from Dragon Tiger Gate and just rush to get the tickets to the movie as soon as I have the free time to watch it once it is released.

Ok so now, on with the movie's review. Ok here's a brief synopsis of the plot. Donnie Yen plays a no-nonsense cop, just cop who is ruthless when it comes to catching criminals (which in other words is a 100% total opposite of Malaysian cops) and is trying hard to catch a band of villainous ruthless Vietnamese brothers. While Louis Khoo plays the undercover cop as the lackey of these villains. Well if you ask me, the plot is nothing but a build up to a huge one on one brawl towards the climax. The movie started at a slow pace for the first 45 minutes to 1 hour with time given for "plot development". After that it is a non-stop martial arts fest which is perhaps the most realistic looking fight choreography that I had ever seen in a movie. Instead of using traditional kicks and punches that is used in most martial arts movies, Flashpoint uses MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) which is much more rawer, intense and realistic.

In most martial arts film when guy A kick guy B to the floor, guy B will bounced back up almost immediately or guy A gives him enough time to do so. But not Flashpoint. A strike that takes down the opponent is usually followed up by more punches, kicks or even submission holds such as the deadly armbar. In other words the fight scenes is done very nicely in a very smooth uninterrupted flow of punches, kicks, throws and locks which I had never seen before in any martial arts flick and all these are directed by Donnie Yen himself.

Well despite its flawless fight scenes I do have a few major complaints about this movie though. Donnie Yen and Louis Khoo just doesn't have on screen chemistry. Both of them don't seem to "connect" with each other at all. Also Fan Bing Bing in the movie serves no purpose other than being a very sweet eyecandy. Not that I mind or anything, but she's being cast into the wrong role IMHO.

Overall Flashpoint is a must watch martial arts movie for all fans of this genre. I give it an 8 out of 10 stars.

P.S: To those who have no idea what MMA is, try searching for it on Youtube.

Transformers Review

Despite Transformers being perhaps the coolest movie event this year, which is mainly due to its great CGI effects, Michael Bay still deserves to be shot... maybe not as much as he should before.

Alright to be honest I have totally no expectations of this movie at all. Mainly its because it is directed by Michael Bay. Not that I really hate that man or anything but once you seen one of his movies you had seen it all. The way he does thing is similar, be it Armageddon or Bad Boys or even that dreaded crap called Pearl Harbour. Another reason is Megatron's new design. While others like Prime, Bumblebee, Barricade and Starscream is redesigned into a much cooler version of their cartoon-self, Megatron is a hundred steps backwards. Don't get me wrong, the Alien Jet movie version is fitting and cool but his Robot design is..... crap.

Ok enough about my expectations, here's my RM0.02 about the movie. Ok despite all the Michael Bay cliched camera works, badly done pacing and extensive use of explosions (well at least his over-explosions are very well done here), the movie is actually good but unfortunately, it had nothing to do with Bay. The only reason why this movie is so freaking cool is because of the robots themselves. How they were animated in so much detail like how Prime turn his face plate off while talking and turn it on while fighting. Their transformation sequence are also animated in great detail that had me drooling all over the place.

The voice acting is perhaps the best of them all. The voice acting is so good that even those cheesy cartoonish lines sounded perfectly. I mean with Peter Cullen reprising his role as Prime surely can never go wrong right? But what really surprises me is Megatron. I never expect Hugo Weaving a.k.a Agent Smith a.k.a Elrond to voiced Megatron so flawlessly and of course "badass-ly". And of course comparing Hugo Weaving with Peter Cullen is kinda unfair since one is Optimus Prime himself while the other is just a voice actor :P

The one thing that makes this movie far from perfect is that Bay tend to focus more on the soap opera that revolves around the humans rather than the robots and also the very anti-climatic ending which would leave you "WTF? Is that all?" after the end.

Overall this is a must watch movie. Despite the anti-climatic ending and the very Bay-ish cliched cameraworks and pacing, the robots itself is worth the price of the tickets ^_^.

Overall Score: 8 over 10.

P.S: Bay is still a bad director ^_^ and if you still haven't seen the Transformers Animated Movie (or do not even know of its existence) do go watch it.

Spiderman 3 Review

As everyone who had watched the previous two Spiderman movies know, the Green Goblin story arc is still not completed and before part 2 ends, we were shown how Harry Osbourne found out that his best friend is his Spiderman and also how he found his daddy's secret "Goblin" room where he kept all his Green Goblin stuffs there and how they hint that Harry is going to be the next Goblin. So this movie is basically the climax and the end of the Goblin story-arc with a couple of villians and themes thrown in.

The movie opens with a brief introduction of all the movies heroes and villians. Something like how the Sandman escaped from prison and how he is forced to be a criminal under some circumstances and how Peter want to propose to his girlfriend Mary Jane Watson. We are also shown how strain both Harry's and Peter's relationship had become and how Harry had indeed became the Goblin and wanted to take revenge on his pal Peter Parker for "killing" his dad and how the Symbiote (those things that gave Spidey the black costume) came down to earth from a meteorite. After a brief introduction of the characters the movie wasted no time and jump straight into one of the best action sequence I had ever seen between Spidey and the Green Goblin. The effects are breathtaking and the action are greatly choreograph.

The character development in the movie is excellent. How they build up the relationships between the characters and also I expect the director can build up the hatred Eddy Brock had towards Peter Parker in such a short time. The comedic timing of the movie also well done, with most of the comedy relief coming from Jonah Jameson which is portrayed excellently by J.K Simmons. Do look out for Bruce Campbell's cameo in the movie as the French restaurant manager which is really hilarious.

My only disappointment for this movie is how they do not have much time to develop the coolest and greatest villain in Spidey's rogue gallery which is Venom. He is simply given to little time to develop. True the hatred between Parker and Brock is there but the chemistry between Venom and Spidey is just not there. Instead of be given a whole new story arc just to himself, he is been relegated to just a supporting villain. Hope they can bring in Venom for the next story-arc. That would indeed kick so much ass.

Overall this is a great movie and also a great curtain closer to the Green Goblin story-arc. Despite the minor "Venom" disappointments, I really love this movie. I give it a 9.2 out of 10.

Some afterthoughts: After being teased several times of being the next-possible villain, could the next story-arc revolves around Doctor Connors (Peter's lecturer) and his transformation to the Lizard? Or could the next arc be a symbiote extravaganza featuring Carnage and Venom? After all Sony did sign a 6 movies deal with Marvel and I don't think they would want to stop at movie number 3 judging how the Spiderman movies is their biggest cashcow.

Mr. Bean's Holiday (Review)

Wow, yet another movie this year that surprises me. To be honest I thought this new Mr. Bean flick is going to suck like the previous one which broke all the "tradition" what Bean is known for, almost zero dialogue and tons of slapstick fun. So honestly, I had zero to none expectations for this movie at all and boy, I am glad that I am dead wrong.

Well the movie is about Mr. Bean winning a holiday trip (along with a video camera) to Cannes (you know the small town in France known for its annual Film Festival?). Well as you can expect from Bean himself, he got into a hell lot of trouble during his trip there.

This movie had brought back the "tradition" and spirit of Mr. Bean, the one that we had grown up loving. There is almost no dialogue, even if there is it is not really that important as most of the laughs is generated through Bean's hilarious antics. The movie played out something like Monty Python and the Holy Grail where it is a story being made up by many comedy skits minus the Python's trademark surrealism and the play of the English language that is. Think of it as your typical Mr. Bean series but it is all added up to tell a tale of Bean's misadventures, which packs a lot of laughs and there are some "skits" where I found myself my tears almost roll down my cheeks because of laughter.

If you had been a fan of Mr. Bean and had been growing up watching his silly antics I strongly recommend you to watch it. For those who had never even seen a single Bean episode first ask yourself "Where had you been?" and go watch the movie. It's never too late to be a Bean fan ^_^

Overall score: 8.5 over 10

300 (Review)

Just watched the movie and there's only one word to describe this swords-and-sandals masterpiece: BEAUTIFUL.

Set in 480BC and is loosely based on Battle of Thermopylae where King Leonidas led a group of 300 men to defend their lands from the incoming (estimated) 1 million-men Persian horde led by the megalomaniac Xerxes, the ruler of 100 nations a.k.a the King of Persia.

Plot-wise it is pretty straightforward but that's what makes this film amazing in the first place. A simple plot with lots of details been taken to the characters and a whole lot more is given to the visuals. Every single frame of the movie (not counting the opening credits) is a work of art. The movie is presented in a lack-of-colour comic book style that it is like watching a comic book coming to live.

The action scenes are amazingly detailed and it is perhaps the most accurate depiction of the violence of war during ancient times than any other movie I had watched. Slow motions are applied so frequently and with beautiful timing in action sequences that pulls me right into it. Every single thrust of a Spartan's spear into Persian flesh is depicted in extreme detail and every single action scene choreograph beautifully that it is as if you are watching a very beautiful dance rather than watching half-naked man in underwear slaughtering overdressed barbarians.

This is definitely going to be one of my Film of the Year candidate for this year. Only one complain though. Why is ultra violence deemed ok by the Censorship Board (most of it, if not all is not cut at all) while artistically done sex scenes are not? Weird double standards there....

P.S: Now if only Zack Snyder can direct the upcoming Warcraft movie.... hmmmm....

Golden Horse Shit

Just saw the full nomination list for the 42nd Golden Horse Award (the Chinese film award which is supposed to be equivalent to the Oscars) and I was surprised.

Before I come upon the full list I already knew that Kung Fu Hustle had been nominated for Best Picture which shocked me. True, Kung Fu Hustle is an enjoyable action comedy but honestly, it had no substance. After I saw the list I was even shocked! Jay Chou is nominated for best newcomer for his horrible potrayal of Takumi Fujiwara in the movie Initial D! My God, what does he even deserve to get nominated in the Best Newcomer Category? Music-wise, his music are enjoyable but his acting, frankly speaking, sucks.

There are a few nominations which surprises me as well, like Aaron Kwok in the Best Actor category, Yuen Wah and Anthony Wong in the Best Supporting Actor category. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy these 2 veterans and I am a fan of Anthony Wong's acting, but I don't think that they should get nominated for their characters.

Is it just me or the standards of the Golden Horse Awards had dropped drastically?

Doom Doom Doom

Just back from the movie Doom and unlike most games-based movie, this one actually is decent. I don't know why they say this movie is based on Doom 3 since I think the storyline is more of a Resident Evil than a Doom. Instead of hell's forces invading Mars, its genetic engineered demons on a killing spree. The only similiarity between the movie and the games is the violence and gore. Heck, who cares, Doom don't even had a real storyline anyway.

The action in Doom is actually decent and I actually got excited at some parts. Even the emotional scenes are decent. The Rock's performance in this movie is great but still I would be happy if he does his signature moves on some monster. There is also a first person shooter (fps) view near the end of the show which I find it very funny. Its one of those laugh out loud moments in the show and I think the producers put it there for comedic effects as well as to satisfy fans of the game.

There are a few annoying moments in the movie which is the censoring of the word "Fuck" and dub it with other words by our censorship board. I would appreciate if the censors do not censored of the part where The Rock describe the BFG as Big Fucking Gun.

Overall Doom is a decent flick if you do not have high expectations of it especially if you are expecting the movie to be like the game in terms of storyline. I give this film a 6 out of 10.